When I have something to do, I can focus on it. This road trip, the planning and building, the packing and sorting, the buying and arranging... it all gives me a purpose. I'm needing purpose in this purposeless world. When you used to go to work, to reap some sort of rewards instead of being caged in your own home. If I keep moving, I don't have to think about it. I don't have to stop and remember how terrible people are being to one another, when at the beginning of this, I was impressed with humanity's kindness and empathy. I don't have to look at the news, at my FB feed, and read about the horribleness as peoples health is turned into a political battle. I don't have to fret about my kids' emotional needs, what they are missing, how I am I missing all the people in our lives.
Moving. Just keep moving. "Just do the next right thing." (sorry, throwing in a Frozen 2 line). But sometimes that's all you can do, is just put your next foot forward and try not to be a dick. Try not to resent the world, and the people in it, and try not to let hate and disgust grow in my heart. It's hard. It's easy to forget if you are on the road, entertaining your kids and keeping them from killing each other in the back seat.
I lost it on day 1, and again the next day. I had dragged the girls in 100 degree weather to Arches NP. I wanted to see the sunset, and we'd had a full day of driving and crankiness. They sure as hell didn't want to be outside, let alone exploring a park. We went to The Windows arches, and found ourselves nearly deserted at the second arch. We climbed up and had a lovely, precarious perch all to ourselves. Of course, the kids didn't want to wait the 15 minutes until sunset and were bickering. I asked what they would do if they could do one, pre-covid previous life thing. Evey said, "I would go back to school. I miss learning stuff." Then she said, "What do you miss mommy?" I burst into tears. I told them that I missed them being happy, and going to school, and seeing their friends. And everything. But if I could fix their happiness, their lives, I would do it. I had a good cry and they cuddled me, as we watched the sunset.
Sometimes a good cry is justified.
I think this world is cry-worthy, for sure.
No comments:
Post a Comment